I copied this quote from another blog i read in all my "spare time" i have so many things that i want to do these days but tend to browse stuff on my phone instead...top things i need to do: update blog...check:) also need to upload and order photos, i take a ton on my phone and occasionally on my awesome camera...i will post some in a minute. update AR's baby book- why is this such a beast?!? clean out my piles...never ending stashes of things i cannot bare to part with or stand in my line of vision...
I try so hard not to compare AdaReece to other babies and myself to other moms but lately i have a lot of doubt in myself and my attitude on the inside, toward myself is bad. I have great days but really dark moments.
But right this second as i sit on my couch with my laptop on the boppy pillow, Cash laying beside me, Carter under the couch, AR upstairs snoring in her crib and Michael on a guys wrestling trip in St. Louis, I just want to make a post that being a mom is the hardest and most draining job I could ever imagine.{I am unbelievably tired right now but cannot sleep}
Being a mom is not physically hard, but i sweat almost every time she cries, i sweat at night in my bed and wake myself up in the middle of the 3-4 total hours of sleep i do get per night...but i'm ok with that. Its not mentally hard but parenting drains all sense from my brain. I can't make rational decisions because my brain is clouded with fear, doubt, exhaustion, stress. Its not that i don't thank God several times a day for her, she is a wonderful, bright, beautiful baby girl. But, I worry about what I'm doing wrong, what i don't know, what might happen... I guess this worry about her is only the beginning...
Monday we had our follow up with the GI doctor, Dr. Devoid. I really like him, he's very thorough and patient with all my questions. She is doing good on the Nutramagin formula she has been on for 5 weeks but still has traces of blood in her stool. He says that it can take up to 6 weeks for that to clear up so we keep testing her stool...ok. She was clinically doing better so we won't change her formula again. gotcha. He also prescribed some magic diaper rash powder to mix with desitin and crystalize the poop juice that comes out of her. Reflux: 3 weeks ago he took her off Zantac because he said she probably didn't need it. This week he put her back on it. because she spits up 2+ hours after eating and she spits up in her sleep. Deep Breath....VSD murmur: he detected 3 weeks ago is still there and he was going to discuss with our pediatrician....trying so hard not to totally freak out. (VSD is a most of the time something small and causes no problems, usually a tiny hole in the septal wall of the heart that closes on its own). He talked to me about her for a good while and we go back in May. We go to pediatrician in April(3 weeks) so i'm going to have a list ready to talk to her about all of these things again...Honestly, I don't want to complain because AR is generally healthy and 95% of the time she is happy as a lark BUT that 5% of the time she is hurting/screaming KILLS ME!! to the core. I die!!! "how do people do it?" "what do normal people do?" these are two questions I ask myself every time something happens (like diaper rash, screamfests, etc.) I can tell it is getting easier for me to handle the stress of motherhood but i just wanted to say I never imagined it would be this overwhelming.
NOW. Let me show off this perfect angel face baby girl:
XOXO, Dannis
