6 weeks.
Dear Baby,
I'm so scared. I found out about you on Christmas Eve and have been on cloud nine for the past week. We took 2 digital pregnancy tests to make sure! We told mawmaw and nana and papa. We also told a few others but are trying to keep you a secret for right now. Its really hard because we love you so much and can't wait to meet you and hold you.
Right now, I'm sitting in the Erlanger emergency waiting room wondering if you are ok in there. I have been having some bleeding yesterday and today and have been crying like a crazy person. The doctor I spoke to said there was really nothing we can do but wanted me to have an ultrasound and some bloodwork to check on you. So I'll wait until the cows come home for you. I just want to see your little seed body in a little black and white picture.
Your daddy and I have been praying for you for many months now. I've been counting days and peeing on sticks and worrying myself silly over you. Please be ok. I love you.
Mommy
This is a blog I started on New Years Day. In the Erlanger waiting room. I have kept it to myself until now. I have many reasons for not telling even my very closest friends. The main reason is I can't discuss what happened without tears coming to my eyes or completely breaking down and crying.
Michael and I found out we were pregnant on December 24th, 2010. We told our parents and brothers and sisters at Christmas and told them not to tell anyone else. After I going to the UT college football game and staying at a friends for New Years Eve, I woke up New Years day and I started to spot and I was not worried at first but as the day went on there was more. I finally decided to go to the ER rather than wait until the 3rd to see my OB. The ER doctor there said he could not be 100% sure but they did urine, blood and ultrasound and thought I had miscarried. I had to wait Sunday at home then Monday afternoon I went to have blood drawn to compare to ER blood and my hcg beta had drastically dropped to prove I did have a miscarriage.
I know that everything happens for a reason and for some reason I will know in God's time this baby didn't come to term. I know I have so many blessings and many others around me are going through the same problems as me. I chose to not tell anybody because I didn't want to burden them with my problems and didn't want anyone to worry about me. After talking to a wise and dear friend this weekend, I decided it would be best to publish this letter I wrote months ago. Get this burden off my chest, secret pain I have held inside and confess I know God has a perfect plan.
We are still waiting on our little miracle and I have faith that we will have several.
A few weeks ago we went to
Heartstrings for Hope a benefit concert for St. Jude Hospital and several country music stars were singing, on a stool, just them and their guitars. It was one of the best concerts I have been to. (Randy Houser, Jerrod Niemann, Joey and Rory from Country Idol, Chris Young, Kelley Loveless, and Luke Bryan were all singing their songs.)
Randy Houser sang "In God's Time" and it literally made me cry.
http://www.theboot.com/2011/02/18/randy-houser-in-gods-time-video/?a_dgi=aolshare_facebook
Kelley Loveless also sang Jason Aldeans song "Laughed until we cried"
http://www.theboot.com/2011/02/18/randy-houser-in-gods-time-video/?a_dgi=aolshare_facebook
The Randy Houser song will be available on iTunes on April 5th! It has gotten so much publicity that he is releasing it super early.
This week in my bible study we are studying Mark 9:23:
"Then Jesus said to him, 'If you are able?' All things are possible for him who believes."
I admit that I question God's will. All the time. I'm so impatient and selfish and self centered. I'm working on that. I really loved the response of the boy's father, Mark 9:24:
"I believe; help my unbelief!"
This is me. I believe in Jesus and his miracles and his resurrection and God's power with all my heart, but I still need help with my unbelief. How am I worthy? Why can't I just be still and know? In the Beth Moore study I'm doing now she says, "Stop wondering if Christ can do anything in your situation and start believing Him to do everything glorious!" Amen sister. I am trying:)
I have faith that these trials are preparing me for a future filled with the most rambunctious, mischievous, and biggest grinning babies I have ever known. I can't wait... but it will be in God's time. I'll be sure to keep you posted;)
Much love, Dannis
